Cleaning Out My Own Mother's Apartment When I assist adult children empty their parent’s homes after death, I and my staff are the calm and neutral presence while the adult children are often actively grieving. I am the neutral person - until I am not. Last December my 89 year old mother died suddenly and tragically after being hit by a car. Given my resources and proximity, I took on the task of emptying my mother’s apartment in an independent living facility. I was grateful for having downsized her from a large house 2 ½ years early, which made this task infinitely less complicated. I was also grateful for the team of professionals who I have worked with for many years, my movers and my estate management service who were available to me both physically and emotionally during this time. I was lucky. I had all the tools needed to make this cleanout quick and smooth. I had to put blinders on to get through this quickly, not wanted to incur additional rent costs. My sister and I would video chat as I held up every item to see if she wanted any. I cried when I disposed of my mom’s underwear, her eyeglasses, and her wigs that she wore over her very thin hair. It was painful. Very, very painful. My experience in assisting hundreds of families go through this process provided no emotional barrier to keep the grief of loss at bay. My mother’s worldly possession and my memories were all that was left. Every item that we had moved from my parent’s house, and every new item we had bought to make my mom’s apartment comfortable and attractive, flooded me with memories of my mother and reignited memories of my father’s death 14 years earlier. I found some items that I didn’t know about – letters between my father, uncle and grandparents from the 1940’s, and valentines from my dad to my mom. There were also things I didn’t find and that haunt me – a necklace made from my grandfather’s watch fob. I come away from this sad time with increased compassion for my clients, especially those who had complex relationships with their parents. The possibility of conflict between relatives who will inherit the possessions and wealth of the deceased increases with the raw emotions of grief. I see more clearly than ever, how the work of a neutral and calm guide is invaluable at these difficult times. Are you overwhelmed by your belongings? Is it time to sell, donate, disperse and discard. Judith Moves You can patiently and sensitively help. |
Judith Kahn member
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